Monday, September 26, 2011

Blog-O-Nymity ?

Does anonymity exist online?



Tonight, very tongue in cheekly, a friend made the comment that since so-and-so was following her blog she had to watch what she said. 

So, on my drive home, I started thinking (shhhhh, I don't really want the whole world to know that I'm not just a beautiful face), anywho, I started thinking that I definitely edit myself (I know, you're thinking "what the hell... this is her edited version?".  It is, it is indeed) on my blog.  As much as I try to keep my blog anonymous (I have chosen to not use "real" names or discuss where I'm from, etc), I know I'm far from from it.  I have scrapped certain blog ideas because I knew that discussing that particular issue would cause more drama than it was worth.  And I've definitely been approached about a blog posting, by those who felt my message *may* have been aimed at them (uhhhh, they were totally right).

As a blogger, how do you balance representing your authentic self and respectfully keeping the peace?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I.Am.Thankful

I know my last couple of posts have been written in a negative vein... don't get me wrong... I'm not ungrateful.  I am a very lucky woman!

I have a husband who loves me (and whom I love & adore).
I have two gorgeous boys who absolutely light up my life.
I have a fabulous family... two brothers whom I love dearly, my sister (from another mister, yo), my mama...
I have a superb aunt who watches my boys for me, so that I have one less thing to worry about while I'm at work.
I have a great job... really I do!  And I work with wonderful people.

I.am.blessed.

I just wanted to share some positivity... because even though it is difficult dealing with this transition (from home full-time to work full-time)... we'll muddle our way through it and find out the best way for our family. 

And in the end, the most important thing, is I have a wonderful, loving family. 

I am so lucky.

Muddling Along

The past two weeks have flown by in a blur... I can't believe that I'm back to work (it seriously feels like I just had C-McC) and there is no way that TT is in preschool... goodness he's just a wee toddler.  Right?

Oh dear god, I'm deep in denial!  I have a three year old... who loves preschool and I have a one year old who needs to be rocked (or nursed) to sleep (thank goodness my my childcare provider obliges).  And me, I'm a working mama! 

What a weird feeling, to be thrust back into the work place... where the "work you" has been stagnant (in my case for 54 weeks) and all your coworkers have been trucking along.  The things that you forget in 54 weeks (I had a panic attack the night before my day back... I couldn't remember my employee number and I did.not.want.to.have.to.ask.someone.for.it).  I'm definitely working my way into a groove... but it's weird, others have taken on my tasks and I'm not sure how to go about asking for them back.  Certain things I've just had to dive in (and hope to god I still know what I'm going). 

I'm happy to be back but I seriously underestimated how much I would miss my munchkins!

Evenings here are a clusterfuck (pardon my French), the hubs and I get home jam some supper into the waiting gullets of TT & C-McC, toss them in the tub (kidding... we gently give them a bath), up to bed goes TT around 8-8:30 and then there are snuggles on the couch for the hubs, moi and C-McC.  We fall into bed and start all over again the next morning.  Some evenings we fit in a family stroll... others we just veg.  

I'm seriously looking at a meal planning website, Relish.  Something where I can input a weeks worth of meals and it will spit out what I need.  Reduce the thinking about supper and the trips to the store (because I don't know about you, but I cannot go to the grocery store and buy only the thing that I actually need).  I think this might help to simplify things for me (I wonder if they have a crockpot option.. I love my crockpot).

Monday, September 19, 2011

Balance

I know I'm only at my second week back but I'll admit it, I'm struggling.

My house is a wreck (okay, my house is more of a wreck than usual).  Clean laundry is piling up like crazy (yes, clean... I'm pretty good at getting it in and out of the washer but it's the folding and putting away that kills me). 

I know we just need to muddle our way through this... that in a months time, we'll work out a system and everything will be almost peachy keen but oh-my-god, working over this hump suuuuuuuuuuucks! 

I'm missing out on a lot of social interaction with my friends (whodda thunk that their lives go on while I'm at work, that is so *not* fair).

This is work kicking my ass... must.find.balance!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I don't need a food police...

Being back to work means that this household is trying very hard to strike a balance. 

A balance between work, children, solo time and partner time.

Holy frack is it hard!  We've gone on a couple walks... I'm trying to think ahead for meals, we're trying to adjust bedtime and get more sleep... we're just muddling our way through this.

Can I say... one thing I hate hearing (from the busy-body or well-intentioned), comments on the good/bad nature of whatever may be making it's way to my mouth.  Yes, I am trying to be healthier and no I do not want to let my body back to where it was but trust me when I say I know chocolate is bad for me.  You do not need to comment on it - ok?

That's all... just needed to get that off my chest.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Labels

I've been sitting on an application for a local preschool, I have it half filled out (and I need to finish it before tomorrow *gulp*).

One section asks for you to list words that you feel describe your child, I listed:

  • Strong willed
  • Independent
  • Boisterous
  • Outgoing
  • Enthusiastic
Now maybe it's a little mellow dramatic of me, but my heart broke a little as I wrote down "strong willed" and "boisterous".  By no means did I mean them in a negative context - TT is strong willed and he is boisterous - but to see those words written so starkly on that piece of paper, it killed me (again, I.am.being.melodramatic. I very obviously am alive & kicking) that I was so readily labeling him.

Those words are a source of pride for me - though I'm sure many of you are shaking your heads at my naivety - I hope when he reaches his teenage years that he maintains that steadfast strong willedness, so that when other children are flocking like sheep he is either their badass leader (because for realz, if my child is going to be a hellion out causing a ruckus I feel [now... maybe later I will change my mind] that I would much rather they choose to do so because it is what they want to do and not because they are a mindless lemming) or he is so absolutely fine with marching to the beat of his own drum that he doesn't need the approval of his peers  While there are many afternoons where I could bang my head to quiet the voices (of TT & C-McC) that is a part of what makes them who they are...

I had a lovely afternoon chatting with a new (good?) friend of mine... and I brought up this "issue" (if it could even be considered an issue).  I wonder that there may be a negative connotation associated with these words... that they will be read and TT will be labeled "a problem". This progressed into a full-on discussion on parenting and our roles... and well, all that to say I had a lovely afternoon and I'm proud to say that TT is indeed strong willed and boisterous!

What words would you use to describe your child? 
What do those words (in regards to your child) mean to you?
Are you concerned that there may be a negative connotation associated with that word?

Oh and Ps:  Thank you for all the work advice (and for the love), work has been good.  I didn't cry, not at all (the night before... yes, but not the day of).  Things have gone well, C-McC seems to be adapting and so do I!  I miss my boys very much but I am enjoying contact with adults...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Super Duper Chocolatey Peanut Butter Cookies

When something is almost too awesome for words TT prefaces it with "Super Duper" (typically it involves chocolate, so "Super Duper Chocolatey... " is most often heard). 

Yesterday I hosted an Usborne book party (at my mom's, because that makes total sense... right?) anyways, as the hostess I decided to make some Super Duper treats, one of which were these Super Duper Chocolately Peanut Butter cookies, I used this recipe for inspiration.

Super Duper Chocolately Peanut Butter Cookies
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 ¼ cups peanut butter (I use the natural stuff)
1/4 cup sugar (with an extra 1/4 cup set aside for later)
3/4 cup packed golden yellow/light brown sugar
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1 large egg
1 big splash of vanilla
3/4 tsp salt
1/2-3/4 cup of President's Choice mini peanut butter cup chips (not peanut butter chips but itty-bitty-teeny-tiny peanut butter cups... )

Combine all the wet ingredients

Combine all the dry (separately)

Slowly combine dry to wet

Add in peanut butter cup chips

Roll small balls of dough in white sugar (that you set aside)

Arrange on baking sheet and press down with a fork

Bake in preheated (350*F) oven for 10-13minutes (or until golden brown at the edges... too long and they'll be crunchy, I prefer soft & chewy cookies)

I should have taken a picture but they were too good to stop and think of doing that... bon appetit!

Passionate Mama

I've always been a passionate person.

As a tween & teen this passion manifested itself in the slamming of doors when things didn't go my way, or the throwing of random objects at those who dared to wake me.

As a mom, my passion is parenting.

Not just parenting but how I choose to parent.

I find myself pouring over blogs and other various child-related websites (sometimes in the wee hours of the morning).  I will spend months (literally months) researching the next big thing in child-related products.

As I've mentioned a time or (eleventy-billion) I've become quite involved in my local LLL group - these women are freaking awesome (for realz)!  Several of them I knew before but never as more than acquaintances.   It's funny what a few years, some babies and a mortgage can do to you (we definitely have a lot more in common now), and a mutual (passion?) interest.

With my back-to-work-date around the proverbial corner, I've been pondering what life would be like if we were independently wealthy... I crave companionship, adult conversation and being useful (I realize that parenting my boys is the most useful thing I can do but there are days where I feel like I'm losing myself in Cheerios and dirty bums)... these things I love about work... but if I didn't have to work (like really, did.not.have.to.work - like "Housewives of [insert location]") I don't think I would.  The more I think about it, the more I believe I'd cultivate this new-found passion

I can only see my participation with this organization growing... I love the friendships that have blossomed through this group!  We are such a freaking hoot (this is my completely biased opinion). 

What are you passionate about?
If money was no object - how would you go about cultivating your passion(s)?

Workin' Mama

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm torn.  So very, very, very torn.

I enjoy my job very much.  The people I work with are pretty awesome and I really like what I do.  But, I'm going to be missing out on a whole lot of what TT & C-McC are doing and that.breaks.my.heart!

I am a little shocked that I am so torn up over this - I went back to work when TT was 5 months old (albeit only part time... very, very part time but still back.to.work).  This time around I got the full year (and my employer graciously gave me an extra 2wks to stay home and celebrate some very important birthdays with my boys), I think having that year gave me so much extra time to think about going back to work that it's now dominating my thoughts!  When I went back to work after TT, an opportunity arose and I just jumped in.

I feel like I haven't been a very good mom lately, I feel like I need more adult time and that makes me feel selfish

So, other working mama's... how did you do it?  Should I expect tears (from me) tomorrow? 
How can I maximize my (now limited) time with my boys (put away the crack top... got it)?
How do you keep your home running smoothly?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Man Giggle Moment

Today the hubs was telling me that he really liked my homage to our boys (their birthday blogs). 

Now the way he said it was "man, I wish you blogged like that all the time", at least that's how I read it - so I said, "you know I can only do that once a year, right" (Paraphrasing... because I can't 100% remember how I said it). He very tongue-in-cheekily replied that I should do one for his birthday (next week... because September is the month of my boys' births)...

Hahaha, yes, I'll blog about your birth hun... because I totally know how it went down

I love that silly, crazy man!


Life - It's all a matter of perspective...

Another blogging mama posted about Keeping up with the Jones's

It got me thinking - I truly love having people over to my house, but I'm often embarrassed by the state of chaos that it is in at any given time.

I'd love to blame it all on having two boys and a husband who walks out of things and leaves them where they fall.  But I definitely exhibit a "who the fuck cares" when it comes to some of my domestic duties. 

I grew up in a household where my mother was neurotic (hi mom, I love you... but you are insane about your cleaning), she'll even tell me now that "it's relaxing" (if you're crazy).  As an adult I've slowly evolved (with the help of my husband because oh-my-god, there's only so many times you can say "put you damn shoes away... away... away!" before you finally snap and just say to hell with it) from a stressing not-quite-as-neat-as-my-mama kind of person to a messy.  Yep, I'm a messy.  Our house (while not tiny) is cluttered (which happens when one member of the household has issues with throwing things away [not.naming.names]).  I'd love to rent a giant garbage bin and just pitch shit out the door... 

It's old (there's no way around that... it's a century farm house... ).  It's outdated (hello 70's paneling and acoustic ceiling tiles) and it's cluttered... when I see pictures of neat and tidy new homes, I feel pangs of envy.  They're so pretty.  I want that.  I want that NOW!  But, the hubs and I are not willing to put ourselves in debt up to our eyeballs so that we can have a completely gutted home. 

I have dreams for my home (Pinterest can attest to that!) but I do occasionally have to remind myself that good things come to those who wait

My house will get there.  It's not there now.  But it will... one day.  For now, I have a husband that I love like freaking crazy.  Two gorgeous boys that I am so very blessed to be the mama of.  And a sturdy house that is full of potential.

And when I put it like that - I'm damn lucky!  Because life - it's all a matter of perspective!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

{Buff Mama Monday}... Errr Tuesday...

You know how last week I was all smug about my lack of discipline.  How even though I'd totally fallen off the wagon I hadn't gained any weight so I was still good?  Remember? 

Yeah, well those 4lbs that melted during my mastitis nightmare, they came back.  Plus 1.  Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

The hubs is back to work this week (after a delightful two week vacation), I'm hoping that having normal meal times (I love him but he so screws with meal times) will help me lose those 5lbs (and then some). 

I need to get my butt out jogging (BOB is squeaking... I've messaged the company with a complaint... what a sad state of affairs when I use a squeak as a reason to not jog )

Today is TT's birthday - should I sneak a jog in?  Probably, since we are having his favourite for supper: P-I-Z-Z-A!

Feel free to kick me in the butt (jeez, I say that a lot in regards to this whole "deal", don't I?)

I asked (last week?) for exercise music lists... anyone care to share what's on their move-it list?

Happy {THIRD} Birthday TT!

It's hard for me to fathom that three years have gone by.  It seems like just yesterday you were performing acrobatics in my belly.  Now you're racing through life full tilt (seriously, every.single.damn.thing.they.say.about.boys - true!  true!  true!)

You are my first born.  My due date baby.  My rebel without a cause.

At this point three years ago, I was bewildered, I was in awe, I was smitten, I was freaking gobsmacked!  I was cradling you, my sweet little man, in my arms and wondering how my life had ever felt complete without you.  I was being told by the nurse to "sleep when you sleep" but I couldn't imagine shutting my eyes... I just wanted to stare at you all night.

Like most first time mom's, I'd spent an inordinate amount of my pregnancy fretting over labour.  This only worsened when a good friend of mine and my sister-in-law were overdue and had long drawn out labours.  On the eve of your due date, I was surprised when I felt like crap (seriously... like.crap).  I called my mom to ask her if my symptoms sounded like labour (she wasn't a lot of help, apparently she doesn't have a idemic memory of what had happened 20yrs+ before), so I called my sister-in-law... who told me to call the hospital.  And I did. 
  • They told me not to rush... call back in an hour.  (You know, first time mom... it's going to be a long drawn out ordeal)
  • An hour later I could barely talk through my contractions!
  • To the hospital we went... I had to tell the hubs to slow.the.fuck.down... he was driving like a maniac!
  • We reach the hospital and into the labour tub I go... I don't know how long I was in there for, it felt like hours but it must have only been 30-45min
  • I started begging for drugs (I'm not proud to admit this... I was scared out of my mind... I couldn't fathom how my body expected me to go through 20hrs+ of this... )
  • I told your father that I wanted something to help me sleep... he laughed at me... I seriously contemplated shoving his head under the water, but a contraction hit
  • My mom & your auntie arrived... apparently I looked like shit (seriously, that's what every labouring women wants to hear... thanks mom ox)
  • Now is where it get's hazy... I had tried "the gas" and it made me feel like my limbs had fallen off and were floating (basically, ewwww gross), and asked for something else... they spent forever and a week trying to find a vein and during that time I started freaking out because I felt like I had to pee (to which the nurse apparently [I don't know, I can't remember] wigged out over that)
  • Someone went to page the O.B. on call, and I told the nurse that I needed.to.push.NOW!
  • 15min later (and three big pushes) and there you were!
  • After 6.5hrs of labour, it was hard to believe that you were finally here... 
Your birth taught me a valuable lesson - to trust my body.  Your birth spurred me to educate myself better on child birth, to prepare myself for round two (aka: C-McC). 

Three years have flown by, like a blink of the eye!
  • You've gone from my little squish to a great big brother
  • You are so full of curiosity - you question everything!
  • I don't care if it is unfashionable to comment on physical appearance - you are one of the most gorgeous boys that I have ever laid eyes on (and I'm not just saying that because I'm your mama, you have sweet curls and to.die.for lashes)
  • You go from zero to danger in 0.5seconds... 
  • You're rough.  You're tumble.  You are so boy!
  • You're not my baby anymore, you start preschool soon and next year *sighs* next year you'll be riding the yellow bus to SCHOOL!

I love you TT, more than you can even imagine.  You will always hold a very special place in my heart... my sweet, wild TT. 

When you curl up on my lap and lovingly pat my face.... look me in the eyes and tell me "I love you mom", my heart melts.  Literally, it melts. 

Your inquisitive nature floors me, just floors me.  The pride that shines from your every pore when you figure out how to do something... or how something works... or what we're spelling (yeah, he's caught on to the cadence of how certain words are spelled... [apparently spelling D-O-R-A in a sing-song voice = bad, very bad] we are so boned) it warms it.  To see you growing and learning... it is an absolute honour!

Happy birthday my dear sweet TT...
Much love,
Your mama

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Happy {FIRST} Birthday C-McC

Today is C-McC's {FIRST} birthday!

I vividly remember the day... by this point on that day I had
  • Called my boss to let him know that "I don't think I'll be coming in today"
  • Startled the hubs awake
  • Called my mom
  • Called my aunt to see if she could watch TT (she couldn't, was driving her eldest to university... so her lovely girlie's came and watched TT for me)
  • Was nagged at (numerous times) by the hubs that we should "get going", so as to not deliver in the car, on the side of the road (I didn't listen)
As a second time mom this labour was the same and oh so very different from my first
  • I knew that I could do it
  • I knew that the pain I was feeling was my body doing what it needed to do 
  • I knew that relaxing into my contractions was far more effective than fighting them
  • I knew that transition would.be.a.bitch
  • I knew that once I hit transition, it wouldn't be long
  • I knew that the moment you were in my arms, it would all be worth it
 I can honestly say that up until transition, labour was a freaking breeze, the second time around.  I wasn't so overwhelmed and scared out of my mind.  I'd prepared myself a lot better (by reading different labour techniques instead of scoffing at them and saying they were for hippies).  There is a certain power that comes with the knowledge that "Yeah, I can fucking do this".  And when C-McC made his grand entrance (not to be outdone by his older brother who was delivered by our nurse because the O.B. on call did not make it in time), he arrived after two great big pushes, into the one gloved hand of our frantic nurse.  To be fair, I did warn her that when I'm ready.  I.AM.READY.

C-McC in a year you have changed so much. 
  • You have gone from my itty-bitty teeny-tiny, skinny-minny to my long & lean one year old. 
  • You have lost your soft & squishy newborn-ness
  • You are crawling, cruising and I'm sure soon (so very, very soon) that you will be running (because walking is such a brief period)
  • You are babbling (mom being your first word, followed by Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and dad)
  • Your eyes light up when you see your brother and you now take great delight in torturing him (by pulling his train tracks a part, playing with his cars and being a general nuisance)
And through this all, you are still my little snuggle bug.  You love nothing more than to curl up in my arms (or more accurately in a sling around your mama).

I love you as much today as the day I found out that you were going to be joining our family. 

I can't wait to see the boy (and then the man) you will become, you are already so different from your loud, brash, opinionated brother.  You are a quiet, more serious young man who offers everyone quick smiles.  Everyone who meet you says they feel that you're an old soul (I agree... I see so much of your pépère in you... which could mean you'll give us a run for our money later on, but I hope not).

Happy birthday C-McC

Much love,
Your Mama